Longing and Self Abandonment

As we lay wrapped in each other’s arms on my grandparent’s floral couch, my head buried in his chest, I say, “I don’t know if I’ve ever truly longed for someone before.” 

He grabs me in closer, his earthy scent intoxicating, enticing me to continue, “I saw a movie once where the woman was referencing an old silent film. She was talking about how the main character deeply longed for a man. During communion he drinks from the cup first, and the leading lady moves the cup slightly to drink from the same spot as his. The very thought of pressing her lips to where he had pressed his lips completely overpowers her senses. It's obscene, pure, and intoxicating. Dripping with desire she doesn't look away. She only closes her eyes to soak him in more,” I swallow hard. The heat rising from my toes. Truth dripping from my lips, I confess, “I’ve been feeling the same way.” 

There are moments when I catch the same look in his eyes. We are mastering the art of longing, the delicate dance of opening up, and preserving our sanity at the same time.

I remember loving this scene from “The Perfect Find” on Netflix. The entire movie drips with longing and desire. Vibrant fashion, complex characters, and a forbidden romance. The character in the movie says, “I want a love so intense it makes people uncomfortable around us.” I didn’t fully understand what she meant until now. 

I have been catching myself doing the same. When I drink from his glass I am filled with desire. 

When I smell his scent on my clothes I become weak. 

When I shower, I feel his hands on me. 

When I fall asleep I feel his breath on my neck. 

His words have become my soundtrack, his touch my muse.  I am a total cliche.

There are moments when I’m so overpowered with longing that I lay on my bed with my hand on my chest to calm my beating heart. The problem is, sometimes, longing and self-abandonment go hand in hand. I’ve lost myself in romances, in plans, in anxious conversations, in uncomfortable situationships. I am a hopeless romantic. I wish on stars. I dance Bachata. I stumble and fall. 

To master the art of longing and deep connection without losing ourselves along the way is a delicate dance. How do I keep myself regulated as I manage all this desire? How do I keep my heart steady? My mind clear? I pour it back into myself. I prioritize my mornings. I write my heart out. I dance in my underwear and make plans to travel the world. I love myself deeply. I create space. I allow things to breathe. I listen to my intuition. One early morning, it dawned on me, everything I feel for him is what I’ve been cultivating for me. Lovers are simply mirrors, reflections of what we desire or what we ignore. I’ve been romanticizing life and building intimacy with myself. Devoting myself to my art, to my body, to transforming. I’ve attracted this deep devotional world wind of a romance, because I created this life for myself first. 

This is my invitation to allow yourself to long and love with wild abandonment, but only if you are capable of putting yourself and your needs first. It’s worth it, I promise. If you’re interested in exploring this topic through writing, consider joining my writing community. This is a place where we use writing as a tool for transformation and growth. We have a seven day trial that includes my “Write to Heal” challenge where we dive into needs, desires, creativity, and so much more. Creativity, much like love, is meant to flow. Fill your own cup, so when you sip from someone else's you can appreciate the amount of work it takes to cultivate that sweetness. 

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