The Power of Forgiveness

A few years ago, I began saying, “I forgive and let go,” every time I thought about someone who had wronged me. A small prayer that shifted my mindset one breath at a time.

It was a lot easier for me to forgive others than to forgive myself. I came across this prose that I wrote back then,  and it goes like…

I forgive myself for all the times I chose perfectionism over compassion. Power over love, screens over peace. I forgive myself for people pleasing, for avoiding feelings, for pushing people away instead of being brave enough to embrace tears and trembling and softness. I forgive myself for letting too much time slip by, for not being able to say goodbye. I forgive myself for betraying love, for blaming myself, for all the shame, for all the space I didn’t take up. I forgive myself.

I forgive myself for all the times I denied myself small things like brownies after dinner and big things like falling in love. For the times I turned cold with criticism instead of warm with vulnerability. I tried so hard to be strong and stable, I didn’t realize the tower I made to protect my heart became a prison I couldn’t escape. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself.

The more I forgave myself, the more space opened up for me. The less I thought about the past and the more present I became. Recently, my best friend said to me, “If I were you, I would want to slash his tires.” Another said, “I don’t know how you're handling this so well. It would have torn me apart” and another said, “Sounds like he doesn’t deserve your forgiveness.” 

The other weekend, I ran into a man who got another woman pregnant while we were dating and lied about it until the proof was undeniable. I was self-aware enough to know that this was not surprising for a guy like him. I had my reservations, and there was a reason he never truly had my heart; however, betrayal is never easy. I forgave him a long time ago, though. He was the catalyst for my journey of forgiveness. So, when I saw him recently, I had nothing but power. I walked right up to him, said hi, acknowledged his awkwardness, and left with even more power. It affirmed why I profoundly believe in the power of forgiveness. To be fair, I fumble with forgiveness all the time, and there have been many moments where I have cursed his name and have to start the process all over again.

The thing is, forgiveness is not for him or anyone else; it’s for me. There are things in my life that I have had a hard time forgiving, but if I can forgive others, I can also forgive myself. The more we practice forgiveness, the easier it becomes to do so. It’s as powerful and as cleansing as water washing over us. 

Here are my five tips for practicing forgiveness: 

1. Start with Yourself

   Create a list of all the things you regret, the mistakes you’ve made, or the ways you have abandoned yourself. Write it in prose. Put it in a love letter. When you are done pouring out your heart, bury your list in a pot and grow some flowers on top. This is your forgiveness plant. If you forget to water her, maybe you are also forgetting to water yourself. Forgiveness is a practice. It’s an act of unconditional love.
   

2. Positive Re-Frames Every time your mind stumbles into the past and thinks about how someone has done you wrong, consider repeating “I forgive and let go” to yourself. You may realize that you lament the past more than you ever realized, and as time goes on, you will realize that forgiveness allows us to be more and more present. Our minds control our realities, so the more we reframe our thoughts, the more likely we are to heal.
   

3. Embrace Curiosity Being curious usually leads to deeper empathy and greater creativity. We live in a world that doesn’t always value creativity or curiosity, so it's no wonder many of our defaults is to be judgmental. If we are being critical of ourselves, we are more likely to be critical of others. If you catch yourself being judgmental, try being curious instead: ask questions, seek clarification, and open your heart. It’s hard to create strong, healthy bonds with others when judgment creeps in. It is not our job to judge others. It’s our job to be the best version we can for ourselves. Don’t shame yourself either; be gentle. We are here to learn.
   

4. Find the Lesson 

   Learn to surrender and find the lesson. One of my relationships resulted in a lot of conflict and arguments. I had a hard time letting go and forgiving him. After getting into an argument that left me in tears, I sat in meditation and asked my body what it felt like to keep fighting for this relationship. I felt my gut cramp. I then asked my body, What happens if I let this relationship go? A sense of peace flowed over me, and I had my answer. It wasn’t easy to surrender. It broke my heart, but letting go is an art. It allows us to open up for more beauty and grace. The lesson, for me, was to listen to my body and to learn to let go.
   

5. Trust the Process

   Forgiveness is not like riding a bike. Sometimes people do unspeakable atrocities that we cannot find in our hearts to forgive, and that’s okay too. It’s not black and white. Forgiveness is necessary when we hold onto the pain so much that it prevents us from being open and living the life we are meant to. We all go through different seasons. Sometimes forgiveness is essential, and sometimes it’s impossible. It’s not an all-or-nothing approach, and it is sure as hell not easy.

   
   

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